I am working one day at a time to fight my depression. I am on 3 new meds, all of which make me very sleepy, and none of which seem to be helping. Hopefully after a few more weeks of them in my system maybe I will start feeling better. I am trying to remember that just 6 weeks ago I was in the hospital ready to be done with it all, so I must be doing a bit better. I keep waiting to wake up in the morning and to feel like "me" again, and it just hasn't happened. So I just keep pushing through the day, remembering that my boys need me, and no matter how blue I am feeling, they do not have a replacement mama, and I have to push through. It is very hard and confusing to feel this way...I am grateful for so many things in my life, and love my boys so much, and really want to be happy, so why can't I feel better..... I do not know why I am going through this depression and anxiety attacks, or why it has gotten so bad. But I am pushing through the each day, trying to keep the days busy and full of things to do.
We have had an open house for Caillou's preschool... Jasper really enjoyed getting to go and see his brother's school. Jasper is so eager to go to school and ride the school bus like his big brother.
We had a beach day, and a birthday, and Ollie went in the wading pool for the first time. We went to the Wild Animal Park and saw butterflies, and Jasper even caught a butterfly here at home.
I am trying to plan a busy summer, the movie theater will have free movies on Wednesdays, there is a fairy festival in June, and Jasper's b-day too. The new Cars movies is opening up in June, that will make for a fun drive-in night. My best friend, Aimee, is coming out from Utah to stay with me for a month. I am really looking forward to that. I have already obtained a little roll out bed for her stay, and we have both begun fun money jars to fund our outings to the taco shop, and cup cakeries by the beach, and all the fun things we shall do.
Well that is all for now, a little update, or perhaps, long ramble!
A year ago, I was at McDonalds ( that's nothing new, I practically live at McDonalds) and I was in labor. Pretending not to be in labor, actually. Ignoring labor, because I had still not sewn the big boys their specail overnight bags for their stay at the Grandmas houses, and I had not sewn that one last quilt I wanted to get done for Ollie baby. That one last quilt I finished in the wee hours of the morning, along with the bags, I packed my hospital bag, went to bed, went to church, Daddy said " Surprise it is Mother's Day, lets go to the taco shop" and well you know the rest, half way into a rolled taco with gauc, Ollie made it known he wanted OUT!!!! To the hospital we rushed, and our baby was born.
Fast forward a year... and today I was at McDonalds again... far more comfortable this time. That quilt I had to make before allowing myself to admit that the labor was real... that quilt is next to me, being used as a little table cloth on the boys table, it is currently covered in a splash of goopy cheesy mac the boys had for lunch... grrr, and Ollie, Ollie bug is here, munching on the gooey center of a chocolate chip cookie, because after all it is his birthday weekend, and after a whole year of not knowing the joys of baked goods, its about time someone give that boy a cookie! Tomorrow, I am hopeful for a nice Mother's Day, hint hint Daddy... the children and you right now SHOULD be elbow deep in construction paper and glitter. Caillou will sing to me in church tomorrow, something I always love!!! And tomorrow hopefully I will get my Mothers Day taco shop dinner!!! Ollie bug being born on the 9th, his birthday has changed this year so it is not on Mother's Day this year, we will still celebrate some tomorrow, but mostly on Monday. I have special plans for my little man! Pictures to come.