Monday, January 24, 2011

the pursuit of peace....

I love moments like these..... Caillou and Jasper holding hands ( without any prompting to do so) just walking down the boardwalk.  A peaceful moment... (VERY, VERY RARE around here!)  My life is crazy... or maybe my children are crazy, or maybe I have gone crazy?  I don't know, probably a bit of all of the above! 
For a good while now, everything has overwhelmed me.  It is safe to say, that I am probably experiencing a nervous break down.  It seems that all though I keep on doing my best to stay afloat, atop my wave of financial problems, single mommying it for the most part,  having a kid who is hyperactive, ( adhd and odd and pdd if I were to believe what the doc tells me) trying to balance out daily tasks, and then trying to manage my own depression and anxiety ( bi-polar diagnosis, if I were to believe what  MY doc tells me.) it seems that my boat might have a hole in it.  I have never been one to paint a picture of myself that isn't so.... if I am on one of my crafty creative sprees of Martha Stewartish proportions I write about it.  If we are facing eviction I write about it.  Ups, downs, I write about it all.  So... tonight I am sharing my struggles and my plan!  My ever so often repeated phrase as of lately has been " I can't do this anymore."  "I can't do this anymore"  the oft said expression is used when my children are flushing whole eggs down the toilet, repeated when they are running away from me in the store, said once again  while we are in the public restroom and they bolt out the door leaving me on the potty, pants around my ankles, scurrying to catch them.... the words are repeated again during an outing this weekend that left me lost and way too close to Mexico  for my liking at an army base far away from home, the broken record of " I can't do this anymore" repeats last night after my wallet was stolen, containing everything I had in it.  I say it all to often, truly believing that I really can't do it anymore, and when I do actually survive to witness another circus act by my incorrigible toddlers, I am convinced once again that "I cannot do this anymore" and  that I will surely at any moment spontaneoulsy just combust or melt right on the spot, or the paddy wagon will come with their straight jacket and take me away to the calm peaceful quiet land of padded walls and no shoe laces.  Well... you know what, " I am doing it" everyday I am doing it.  I may not be doing things exactly as calmly or patiently or joyfully as I would like to, but I am doing it.  And amidst the sea of yelling " why did you do that" and "get that out of the toilet" " stop that" and the "tears (mine)" and frustration........ I am doing it.  And a day does not go by that I do not tell my boys repeatedly that I love them.  "I am doing it" ...I am doing it each week when I take my family to therapy and behavior mod for Caillou.  I am doing it as I stay up late sewing surprises for them to wake up to.  I am doing it when I take them on adventures, and picnicks, and park days.  So all though I may not be doing it as "perfectly" as I would like to... I am doing it.  My goal this year... I know a little late... for a New Yearsy resoultion type post...but here goes anyway... my goal is to overcome my depression and anxiety (find the right balance of meds and vitamins for myself)  lower my volume... no more yelling and no more bad words, find the right answer for Caillou's hyperactivity ( get a good doc, continue therapy), be less agitated by behavioral problems, spend more time doing things that bring me happiness (sewing, baking, crafting),  not be so hard on myself and give myself credit for what I do,  stay home more ( not always be running away searching for adventres and happiness,) focus on what makes my family happy.... and do happy things as often as possibble!

1 comment:

  1. That's right! Give yourself some credit. As I told you the other day I wish I was about 15 or 20 years younger so I would be able to help you more. You have so much on your plate, I think I would have been in the looney ward a long time ago if I had as half as much to handle as you.
    You and I both know that as naughty as your boys are they are equally sweet, funny and oh so smart. You have three little characters so different and yet so alike. I love them all.
    See you Friday when I babysit the three. Thank goodness Kimberly is coming over to help me. :)Bring your laundry. Until then remember to do the things that make you happy.



lovely little notes