Friday, January 1, 2010

Christmas pictures and some real thoughts for a change...


































It has been a while, each day I come here to my blog with the intentions of leaving a post, yet I find myself at a loss for words of what to write about. Our Christmas was wonderful and beautiful, however before the 26th even came, my mind was once again flooded with worries, that not even the most magical of Christmas days could make go away. I will start with Christmas. Christmas truly was magical and enchanting for my little ones. Beginning this Christmas season, I knew there wouldn't be much under the tree from their mama, so I busied myself for months sewing a special quilt for Caillou, crocheting an aqua, yellow, and pale green blanket for Jasper, sewing teddy bears and little lambs, funny looking monsters, dolly diapers and kimonos, and Christmas eve pajamas. I scoured our little old thrift store on several occasions finding wondeful picture dictionaries for 50 cents, a little yellow tractor and a sesame street talking truck for just a few coins eachs, old fashioned preschool puzzles and flash cards for a quarter, with each treasure I found I hid it away in my old trunk at the foot of my bed. A special package arrived in the mail one day, from a truly amazing person I have met through blogging. The package was full of wooden toys, puzzles, nesting blocks, a little wooden flute and kazoo, dinasoars to paint, lots of treasures, she lovingly sent to be laid under the tree for my boys. A bit before Christmas with some special Christmas shopping funds from my mama, together my mama and I did a bit of Christmas shopping, I was quite happy to have been able to have gotten a few toys to place under the tree from their mama, not that a mama's handmade presents aren't loved too, but there is nothing like finding a little train in your Christmas stocking, or a friendly rubber dinosaur peering out at you from under the tree. The week before Christmas, on Monday evening, there was a knock on our door. When I opened the door, there on my porch were a handful of members from my church, singing us a Christmas carol. The boys came out of their room to see what was going on, and by the end of the song our church friends were coming in with arms full of gift bags and boxes and large trash bags full of presents beautifully gift wrapped for my boys. I was in shock and in tears, and of course the boys were so surprised and excited, they weren't quite sure what to do! Caillou questioned if it was "the Polar Express" Jasper grabbed presents and ran as fast as his chubby little legs could take him. After they left, all I could do in my shock and amazement was wipe tears from my eyes and offer a prayer of thankfullness for the blessings that had just been given us. Our green and red polka dotted tree skirt, was no longer in sight, the Christmas morning that I worried about being so small for my children was no more, there were far too many presents to count laying under the tree. Far more than presents arrived that night, ture Christmas Spirit was delivered to our home. All week I could not get over my gratitude and amazement of the kindness and love delivered to my boys. Christmas morning was enchanting. Caillou could hardly contain himself, he was bubbling over with excitement and happiness and Jasper too was mesmerized and curious about all that lay under the tree. For breakfast we had homemade applesauce and blueberry muffins, something mama used to make for me that I loved when I was a kid. The kids had a blast opening all their presents. There were lots of toys and our church had also bought beautiful clothing for the boys, pajamas, even socks, and a church outfit too, all of which were carefully picked out and in my kids exact sizes. There were hand knitted hats and soft balls, and a soft, cuddly, new robe for me ( which I have hardly taken off since Christmas morning!) Somewhere in the midst of the present opening, my Mama ( boo-bah to the boys) Grandpa, Nammy and Grandpa Bob came up to our home. We had yummy homemade cheese enchiladas rice and beans that my mama spent hours preparing on Christmas Eve, and a homemade cheesecake that Nammy made. Nammy and Boo-bah brought trains for the boys, their favorite thing to play!! And last but not least came the very special present from Boo-bah and Grandpa, a train table. This has been truly the best present my mama could have gotten for the boys, they have played with it nearly non stop, there is the occasional train fight, or Jasper decides to climb up on the middle of the table and I have to remove him, but this so far has proven to be the toy that my boys enjoy the most and play the nicest with each other. Christmas was wonderful, but as I said earlier, not even the most magical of Christmas celebrations could distract me from life's worries for long. As I lay in bed that night thinking of all the wonderful gifts given to my boys, I wondered where I would put them all. Rent being due soon, and no way to pay it. I wondered how many toys and how much of the boys clothing we would actually be able to keep. What would become of the furniture and knick knacks, and all the things I have made for our home. Where would mny children sleep at night. When Ollie is born will I have our old crib to put him in, let alone a room for that crib. All these fears that I live with daily came back to my mind, and with those fears, the magic of Christmas was over for mama. It has been a year now of my husband's unemployment, a year with no paychecks. A year of surviving solely off food stamps to feed my little family, our church and family helping us keep a roof over our head, and constantly going without... our bills are the very basic needs, we don't have television or even a house phone, we don't have a car payment, just one car to share, no memberships, or extras, still the basics needs are not being met, the bread not being won so to say. It has been a year of living in fear of being homeless with my babies, a year of uncertaintly, hopelessness, and a year of great frustration and anger as well. I paint a vivid picture on this blog of the happy parts of my life, the simple joys I share with my children. And then there is so much more that I keep to myself. A life that goes unwritten on the pages of this blog, a life that upsets me to much to share. However today, on the first of the month of a new year, I find myself struggling to write only about the sunshiney and happy, and feel a need for change in all areas of my life. A need to create a better life for myself and for my precious little ones. A need to find happiness and security. I feel a need to share more of me, a need to express my true self, a need to once again find that true self. Somehwere in the events of my adult years at the ripe age of 26 I have lost the feisty girl I once was, the girl that felt capable and confident of anything, the girl that made her own choices in life and was scared of nothing, controlled by no one, and answered to nobody but herself and her own whims and plans. I am searcing for that girl, trying to find myself and my inner strength once again. Fighting to make a better life for myself, and find happiness and hope to replace my tears and worries. I don't know what this New Year holds for me. I don't what choices or changes I will make in my life, I know many need to be made. I do know, that somehow it has to be better. It has to be better than sitting here on the first of the month, rent unpaid. Counting down the 9 days until we receive our eviction notice. This year has to be better.






15 comments:

  1. What touching post filled with emotion. I am sorry for your situation. I really am. I am not just saying that. I pray that the Lord will come through my dear blogger friend. I admire you. Thanks for sharing. Please, stay true to yourself. You are such a ray of sunshine to me even through this post.

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  2. My Lord, what you are going through is heartbreaking. It is easy for one to say God will take care of you, but He has to come through soon for you! I have it so easy compared to you, I feel guilty. I will pray for you. I enjoy your blogs so much.
    cindy

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  3. Dear Ashley,the pictures of your Christmas are wonderful...I love the little crib with all the sweet softies you made and the darling little PJ's are so cute. I knew the train table was going to be a favorite for the boys. They look so happy and satisfied with everything....God came through with a miracle for a special Christmas and he will continue to bless you in the new year....I know to well of the pain and worry you speak of....about losing yourself and trying to find yourself again.....wondering when and if the money will be there to pay the bills and the rent....I struggled through that uncertainty for many years when my children were small.... BUT GOD...always managed one way or another to come through for me....I believe with all my heart he will for you as well.....even now I struggle but,I have not been forsaken are found begging bread...I thank God there were and are food stamps to supply groceries for the home...I also thank him that I have a monthly income(even though it is meager)through disability benefits....I am thankful for the roof over my head,although it is very humble...you are so sweet and have a desire to follow God's will ....Please,continue to trust him and watch him prove himself over and over to you as he has for me.....I will pray for you and your little ones even more earnestly and anticipate the many blessings God has in store for your family.....a very blessed New Year to all......

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  4. Dear Ashley
    I know exactly how you feel. Last summer my small family faced the same uncertainty. Our savings were dwindling and did not know if we were going to be able to stay in our home. But right when we had pulled our last savings my husband began getting work (he's in construction). I know it is difficult to have hope at this time, but God always takes care of His children. I also understand the pressure and stress this causes to your marriage and family we have been there too and still are with the uncertainty of the economy. Remember that the will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you. I say this when I feel I cannot take it anymore. He knows what He is doing even though we don't understand. He has something great for you I just know it. Just as a side note, I too have two boys ages 6 and 3, I see your boys always dressed so nicely but if you ever need gently used clothes I'd be happy to pass them along. I live in the Inland Empire, from previous posts I think you live in So. Cal too. I will continue to pray for you and your family...Don't loose hope.

    Ana C.

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  5. Ashley, You are very strong and I admire that. Keep your chin up and be proud of the person, friend and mom you are. Things will get better.

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  6. Ashley, I hope with all my heart that 2010 will be a happier year. I know you are pondering many things right now. You have a heavy load that your young years should not have to bear. I hope and pray that you will find the answers as to what road to take, what decisions to make that will enable a better future for you and your little angel boys.

    Love you much
    Your mama aka Boo-Bah

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  7. Christmas looks like it was so wonderful! The train table is so exciting! I know you worked long and hard on all the things you made for the boys and they show! I know 2010 will be better! I will see you soon! ~ your bestie who is so lazy she can't even sign into blogger, lol

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  8. You have not lost the "feisty" girl. God created that in you to get you through. Keep pushing through!

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  9. I am so glad that Christmas was so special for the boys, they are at such a great age! I am sending good thoughts your way, hoping for change in positive directions for you in the coming year!

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  10. My heart breaks for you in your tough circumstances. May the Lord do a miracle in your family and provide funds and jobs and housing. I pray for peace for you and your family, and am thankful that we have a God who hears our every cry. May you feel His presence intently in the coming weeks.

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  11. Ashley, I have been thinking about you a lot! Praying for you today!

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  12. I, too, have been thinking about you. I hope you are okay. Your Christmas pictures are beautiful, I love everything you did. The little softy animals in the crib are so sweet! What a lovely thing for them to wake up to. My husband and I had our share of trials for several years. You are such a good Mom, your kids are thriving in your love... I hope this New Year will be better for you financially.

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  13. Hang in there dear one, God is still on the thrown...He said he will never leave you, or will he forsake you...He will make a way, even when there seem to be no way....Your post also touch my heart and spirit...Even I go though times like this..We just have to contiue to trust in the Lord..

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  14. You haven't lost feisty; you are a person becoming. The feistiness you had as a young girl is simply being replaced by a more mature strength. I will keep you in my prayers and ask God to provide in his wisdom for you and your little family.

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  15. Wow. I wept as I read this. So many blessings, but I feel your fears. Your faith will get you through. It sounds as though God has placed many caring, giving people in your life.

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lovely little notes