Dear Charlie....

January 26th, 2012 I woke up in agonizing pain, I felt as if my stomach was being ripped apart.  We rushed to the hospital.  3 hours later, full of Zofran and IV fluid, we got the exciting news, that precious baby #4 is another boy! Four boys!!! Poor Caillou sat on my hospital bed with a quivering bottom lip and tears in his eyes, "Why didn't Heavenly Father send us a girl baby, we already have boy babies?"  I gave him a big hug, he then asked me if I was sad, and I told him "How can I be sad about having another boy, you are a boy and you are wonderful, Jasper is a boy and he is wonderful, and Ollie is a boy and he is wonderful too! No Caillou, I am not sad, litle boys are pretty awesome, don't you think?"  He agreed, still a little sad, and said "okay mommy, but when this baby comes out, you have to grow a girl baby in your tummy?"  I kissed him on the forehead and agreed with him, and then we celebrated the news of baby Charlie.  And then the doctors came in "we have bad news" it was a blur of tears and words "placenta praevia, placenta accreta, hysterectomy, viability, bleeding to death."  I was sent home from the hospital in shock, and on complete bed rest.  Tomorrow I go to see my doctor, have more ultrasounds, an MRI, and find out if baby Charlie has a chance.  In a nutshell.... my placenta is not where it is supposed to be, and has become somewhat like a tumor, growing out of my uterine wall attaching itself to other organs.  My calculations put me at being 14 weeks 6 days pregnant.... the ultrasound puts me at 16 weeks 1 day pregnant....  to the best of my calculations adjusting dates to when I know that I conceived.... I am 15 weeks 2 days pregnant... Charlie will not have a possibility of surviving if I cannot get him atleast to 26 weeks. I am praying tomorrow I will receive good news, as good as possible news in a situation like this.  I am heart broken, angry, shocked, bitter.  My dreams of a large family are shattered, a hysterectomy, this is the last baby I will feel kick in my tummy, the end of this phase of my life, never again getting to experience the nervous butterflies waiting to see if a second line will appear on a pregnancy test.... I am devastated.  My husband refuses to consider adoption... so this really is it.  My last baby, and I may never even get to meet him.  Since coming home from the hospital I have been on strict bedrest, and it seems that several times through the day, I go through a range of emotions, usually ending with me in tears.  I am trying to stay optimistic, focusing my love on the three beautiful sons I have, but Charlie... I already love him with my whole heart, my tiny baby Charlie.... so no matter how short or long his little life may be, I plan to forever make his presence remembered in the hearts of our little family.        Dear Charlie,
Today you are 15 weeks and 2 days.  You are the size of an avocado, and your pictures are the cutest ultrasound pictures ever.  Your feet, your fingers, your little nose is perfect. You are growing fast, and your heartbeat sounds so strong.  I love to hear the ba bump ba bump ba bump, it reassures me and lets me know you are here, you are real, you are part of me, and a part of this family.  I love you, your brothers love you, and we are all rooting for you to get here.  Grow strong and big and healthy baby Charlie, mommy is waiting to snuggle you and love you and help you grow into a fine young gentleman. Your brothers are anxious to teach you about snails, and tell you tales of fairies and Peter Pan,  they are anxious to play with you, and fight with you, and initiate you into their rowdy, mischief causing clan.  I love you baby Charlie.
Love, Mommy